FEAR

When I was little, I would play without hardly a care in the world, oblivious to the fact of life which is death. I remember feeling safe until I fell out of a tree; strong until I got hurt; and immortal until I saw my grandpa die. Everyday I would play outside with all my cousins, and I would watch as different family members would come and visit the back room where my grandpa lay dying from cancer. To see my grandpa in pain was sad, but to see him dead was confusing. At that moment fear overtook me, and there where questions that needed answers. I began to question my mother with what, why, and where is he now; undoubtedly, the answer was heaven. From that day on life wasn't the same; in fact, it was hopeless, scary and unknowing. Not to say that there wasn't good times, there were, but not as good.

A couple of years later my dad's mother died, and I still remember how sad and depressed he was, so when I learned at Sunday school that my grandma wasn't really dead she was just resting until Jesus came I was anxious to tell my dad the good news. I believed and was excited about what the Sunday school teacher had taught me, but my dad on the other hand was not.

During times when life wasn't busy and there weren't any distractions- usually when I was in Juvenile Hall- I would sit and think about life and its meaning, wondering if there was a purpose for it. Reading the Bible would give me little glimpses of hope, joy, and peace like little rays of light shining in the darkness but never the full understanding; indeed, my youthful lusts still desired what the world had to offer. It wasn't until I had cried many more tears, felt the pain of hopelessness, and was familiar with loneliness, that I was finally ready to accept Jesus as my savior whole-heartily. I was forgiven of my sins; moreover, I felt brand new. At that moment I wasn't afraid to die, deep within me I knew everything was going to be alright.

19 "For I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."
21 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." Philippians 1:19,21